These past few weeks have been a real struggle. I’ve never had so many health problems in a row before – colds, headaches, back pain, mild alcoholism, un-clinical depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach flu, fever. The list goes on and on. The last strike was working through a fever this week to complete a deck that the client (of course) had a reaction to. I went to bed at 12am last night and woke up 3 times during the middle of the night to check my emails in preparation for a big meeting this morning, and that was when I’ve realized I’ve had enough.
Enough of how I treat myself, not of consulting.
I woke up this morning and could not go back to sleep, and I decided to share the following with you.
- Don’t be afraid of things going wrong. They do not equal failure.
I used to be so afraid to fail. To not deliver. To not have approval from others. To not please. Hilariously enough, it took me THIS LONG to finally realize external approval of my thoughts and actions in fact do NOT equal internal approval of my thoughts and actions. This is basically a no-brainer, but such a mental trap for consultants that we beat ourselves up sometimes for not “delivering to clients”. We’re taught that we’ve “won” when the client is happy. Where is your self-worth? Find it, protect it, because that’s all you got sometimes, love. You cannot let the world beat you down so easily. You’re too precious for this bullshit.
2. Others’ trust in you does not mean you necessarily must own the outcome.
You need to figure out where this trust comes from. Is it about YOU or is it about THEM? In other words, do they put all this responsibility in your hands because while they can do it themselves, they recognize your capability and would like you see you handle this stretch experience and grow, OR, do they put all this responsibility in your hands because they don’t care enough to do it themselves or can’t? There is a huge difference, one that should keep you up at night more than owning this “trust” and running with it, because you might just run into a wall (that has always been there). If it’s about them to start with, deal with it carefully, and do not internalize the chaos and make it about you.
3. Feelings are nice to have at work, but work isn’t going to love you back
I deeply believe that regardless of how many people you know in life, there are only a handful (at best) that you can count on during those really hard times. Can you name those people in your life? Can you name those people who will instinctively recognize your call for help and come stand by you in times of need? Because seriously, when we invest in these kinds of relationships, this is basically the reason- what else are they good for?
So let’s talk about feelings about work here for a second – guilt, responsibility, ownership, trust. You hear people talking about this all the time: “I love the people I work with”, “my team is like my family”. Yes honey, in a COLLEGIAL sense. Do I love my team? Of course I do. They’re possibly the best people I’ve ever worked with. But people connections are different from connections to the actual work – and sometimes people confuse them. When you’re sick with a fever on your bed working and you realize this is the only night this week you’ll get to spend time with your loved ones, that’s when you really put things into perspective.
4. Sometimes it’s good to just say “no”
Just do it, you pussy. Set some boundaries. May you don’t get promoted this year. Maybe you don’t be one of those women who Lean In (at least not yet ’cause maybe leaning in takes time). Maybe you actually learn to make sacrifices in your life for once based on what is most important. Is saying “yes” all the time really that important to you? Are you driven to always say “yes” because you’re an overachiever with no regards to consequences of your actions, or are you driven to always say “yes” because you’re afraid of the repercussions of saying “no”? Because there are self-help books to deal with both scenarios. Read them.
5. Communicate constantly
Don’t hold it all in until the last minute and have shit explode like a volcano. It’s bad for you, it’s bad for the team, it’s bad for business. Keep everyone around you tapped in on how you’re feeling, what you’re struggling with, be self-aware enough to articulate those in concrete ways. You’re not a prima donna and people shouldn’t have to “watch out” for your needs. On the flip side of the coin, if you also consistently communicate your anxieties around the project and how it’s going, noting risks and red flags, that’s a much better and more efficient way to make it successful (than, for example, taking on too much for yourself).
xoxo
V.
Valoress 