Disappointment does not equal failure – what consulting has taught me about life

These past few weeks have been a real struggle. I’ve never had so many health problems in a row before – colds, headaches, back pain, mild alcoholism, un-clinical depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach flu, fever. The list goes on and on. The last strike was working through a fever this week to complete a deck that the client (of course) had a reaction to. I went to bed at 12am last night and woke up 3 times during the middle of the night to check my emails in preparation for a big meeting this morning, and that was when I’ve realized I’ve had enough.

Enough of how I treat myself, not of consulting.

I woke up this morning and could not go back to sleep, and I decided to share the following with you.

1. Don’t be afraid of things going wrong. They do not equal failure. 

I used to be so afraid to fail. To not deliver. To not have approval from others. To not please. Hilariously enough, it took me THIS LONG to finally realize external approval of my thoughts and actions in fact do NOT equal internal approval of my thoughts and actions. This is basically a no-brainer, but such a mental trap for consultants that we beat ourselves up sometimes for not “delivering to clients”. We’re taught that we’ve “won” when the client is happy. Where is your self-worth? Find it, protect it, because that’s all you got sometimes, love. You cannot let the world beat you down so easily. You’re too precious for this bullshit.

2. Others’ trust in you does not mean you necessarily must own the outcome. 

You need to figure out where this trust comes from. Is it about YOU or is it about THEM? In other words, do they put all this responsibility in your hands because while they can do it themselves, they recognize your capability and would like you see you handle this stretch experience and grow, OR, do they put all this responsibility in your hands because they don’t care enough to do it themselves or can’t? There is a huge difference, one that should keep you up at night more than owning this “trust” and running with it, because you might just run into a wall (that has always been there). If it’s about them to start with, deal with it carefully, and do not internalize the chaos and make it about you.

3. Feelings are nice to have at work, but work isn’t going to love you back 

I deeply believe that regardless of how many people you know in life, there are only a handful (at best) that you can count on during those really hard times. Can you name those people in your life? Can you name those people who will instinctively recognize your call for help and come stand by you in times of need? Because seriously, when we invest in these kinds of relationships, this is basically the reason- what else are they good for?

So let’s talk about feelings about work here for a second – guilt, responsibility, ownership, trust. You hear people talking about this all the time: “I love the people I work with”, “my team is like my family”. Yes honey, in a COLLEGIAL sense. Do I love my team? Of course I do. They’re possibly the best people I’ve ever worked with. But people connections are different from connections to the actual work – and sometimes people confuse them. When you’re sick with a fever on your bed working and you realize this is the only night this week you’ll get to spend time with your loved ones, that’s when you really put things into perspective.

4. Sometimes it’s good to just say “no”

Just do it, you pussy. Set some boundaries. May you don’t get promoted this year. Maybe you don’t be one of those women who Lean In (at least not yet ’cause maybe leaning in takes time). Maybe you actually learn to make sacrifices in your life for once based on what is most important. Is saying “yes” all the time really that important to you? Are you driven to always say “yes” because you’re an overachiever with no regards to consequences of your actions, or are you driven to always say “yes” because you’re afraid of the repercussions of saying “no”? Because there are self-help books to deal with both scenarios. Read them.

5. Communicate constantly 

Don’t hold it all in until the last minute and have shit explode like a volcano. It’s bad for you, it’s bad for the team, it’s bad for business. Keep everyone around you tapped in on how you’re feeling, what you’re struggling with, be self-aware enough to articulate those in concrete ways. You’re not a prima donna and people shouldn’t have to “watch out” for your needs. On the flip side of the coin, if you also consistently communicate your anxieties around the project and how it’s going, noting risks and red flags, that’s a much better and more efficient way to  make it successful (than, for example, taking on too much for yourself).

 

xoxo

V.

When you can do anything you want…how do you do it?

The hardest part of my job is the latitude of freedom I have to “do the right thing”. I love the feeling that my opinions really matter, that my work really counts towards a certain tangible outcome, but at the same time, it’s taken me a lot of effort to become comfortable with so much ambiguity – so much so that I almost wish that on some days, especially when the work is high-stake, someone can just come and tell me exactly what to do.

In my first year, the fear of “making a mistake” was often paralyzing. I would literally spend days flipping through my research and meeting notes, and delaying producing a deliverable until the very last minute. Then with amazing gusto and whatever genius was leftover from my grad school essay-writing days, I would pull all-nighters to pump out the deliverable, meet the deadline, and keep the clients happy.

Over time, it’s become clear to me that this kind of behavior is not sustainable. While I can’t change how I’m being managed (both up and down in the organization), I can change how I work. Below are several key understandings I’ve come to amass while on the job. I think on some level it’s such a fitting reflection of how we decide to live life as well.

1. More freedom really does mean more responsibility 

More responsibility – this means more balls to juggle, and differently sized ones, too. This requires that you perfect your planning skills to effectively balance the meeting of immediate deadlines and how to drive results home long-term. If you keep your eyes too focused on the immediate present, as you execute through time some part of the project will fall through the crack, and the results may be unsalvageable. Or worse, you may not end up recognizing a key opportunity.

The biggest trick here is to never forget that no one is going to walk behind you with a whip, telling you when to do what. As you take a proactive stance to own a project, you become accountable for its outcome – if it doesn’t go well, you may still end up being the person to blame even if some part of it was never your fault in the first place.

2. Be your own critic 

Very often, in a situation where you’ve been managing a project, you will know it best – where all the moving pieces are, what their statuses are, what are the pain points and contingencies. While others’ feedback are important, you can provide yourself with much more useful and objective feedback on how you did. Just because your boss says you did a great job doesn’t necessarily mean it’s 100% reflective of your developmental needs. Just because your boss says you did a terrible job doesn’t necessarily mean you’re useless.

Don’t shy away from this self-reflection process – critically examine your performance and be honest with yourself. Perhaps you’ll have trouble benchmarking your performance objectively – try to speak with your peers and learn how things are done in their companies, and how things can be done better where you work. Keep a library of “golden” deliverables for reference and consistently hold yourself up to that standard of work.

3. Pace yourself and delegate

The opposite of not owning the outcome is to let yourself work to death and own every outcome. I know this is something I personally struggle with – I have trouble “checking work at the door” when I get home, I have trouble saying “no” to a new project because I get so excited about adding value to something new and full of potential, and I have trouble accepting the limits of my capabilities (because sometimes I feel I have no limits).

Overtime I realized there are two types of people: the type who can do, and the type who can tell others what to do. If you think of this as a Venn Diagram, the part where the two circles meet, you get your “effective leader”. I used to think that it’s easier to tell others what to do, because there is the common misconception that if this happens, you’re not really doing any work.

This could not be further from the truth. If you’re really good at telling others what to do, you first need to have a big picture understanding of what needs to be done, then break this down to execution steps, then communicate it to the person doing the work including your expectations of the outcome and why doing a good job is important .Then you must let it go, take a step back and not micromanage. Then, chances are the outcome won’t be exactly as you’d anticipated, so you’ll have to go back and forth and make iterative changes, while not making it seem like you’re an obsessive compulsive asshole manager with no regard for other people’s feelings.

But you must learn how to do this, because no man is an island. Just relying on your own capabilities might be easier temporarily – you’ll be extremely efficient, focused, and your life will be simple and uncluttered. But over the long run you will be exhausted, and this is neither good for the company nor for yourself. Better to learn how to leverage resources around you, because this is actually how the world works. Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way.

4. Don’t forget what’s truly important – the people around you 

When you’re fairly junior in the workplace, like an analyst in some firm, your role is mostly just an Excel/PowerPoint monkey. This is fine as it builds fluency in the technical competencies from the ground up – after all, we all need to pay our dues somewhere. That being said, don’t get caught up in solely the technical competencies, because one day something else will become a much more important skill set for you – how you deal with people. How to amass the right team, make them work effectively together, communicate your expectations and lead them to the finish line, and motivate them and engage them along the way. Your time is limited, which is exactly why you shouldn’t focus solely on task execution – make the time to stay in touch with your network, talk, talk, and talk some more.

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That’s all for now, folks. I feel very strongly about this piece because I’m still in the office and trying to stay afloat Monday Madness, so this piece really serves as a sound reminder to myself as well. Hope your Monday was indeed a Funday, and not ironically.

Love,

V.