Disappointment does not equal failure – what consulting has taught me about life

These past few weeks have been a real struggle. I’ve never had so many health problems in a row before – colds, headaches, back pain, mild alcoholism, un-clinical depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach flu, fever. The list goes on and on. The last strike was working through a fever this week to complete a deck that the client (of course) had a reaction to. I went to bed at 12am last night and woke up 3 times during the middle of the night to check my emails in preparation for a big meeting this morning, and that was when I’ve realized I’ve had enough.

Enough of how I treat myself, not of consulting.

I woke up this morning and could not go back to sleep, and I decided to share the following with you.

1. Don’t be afraid of things going wrong. They do not equal failure. 

I used to be so afraid to fail. To not deliver. To not have approval from others. To not please. Hilariously enough, it took me THIS LONG to finally realize external approval of my thoughts and actions in fact do NOT equal internal approval of my thoughts and actions. This is basically a no-brainer, but such a mental trap for consultants that we beat ourselves up sometimes for not “delivering to clients”. We’re taught that we’ve “won” when the client is happy. Where is your self-worth? Find it, protect it, because that’s all you got sometimes, love. You cannot let the world beat you down so easily. You’re too precious for this bullshit.

2. Others’ trust in you does not mean you necessarily must own the outcome. 

You need to figure out where this trust comes from. Is it about YOU or is it about THEM? In other words, do they put all this responsibility in your hands because while they can do it themselves, they recognize your capability and would like you see you handle this stretch experience and grow, OR, do they put all this responsibility in your hands because they don’t care enough to do it themselves or can’t? There is a huge difference, one that should keep you up at night more than owning this “trust” and running with it, because you might just run into a wall (that has always been there). If it’s about them to start with, deal with it carefully, and do not internalize the chaos and make it about you.

3. Feelings are nice to have at work, but work isn’t going to love you back 

I deeply believe that regardless of how many people you know in life, there are only a handful (at best) that you can count on during those really hard times. Can you name those people in your life? Can you name those people who will instinctively recognize your call for help and come stand by you in times of need? Because seriously, when we invest in these kinds of relationships, this is basically the reason- what else are they good for?

So let’s talk about feelings about work here for a second – guilt, responsibility, ownership, trust. You hear people talking about this all the time: “I love the people I work with”, “my team is like my family”. Yes honey, in a COLLEGIAL sense. Do I love my team? Of course I do. They’re possibly the best people I’ve ever worked with. But people connections are different from connections to the actual work – and sometimes people confuse them. When you’re sick with a fever on your bed working and you realize this is the only night this week you’ll get to spend time with your loved ones, that’s when you really put things into perspective.

4. Sometimes it’s good to just say “no”

Just do it, you pussy. Set some boundaries. May you don’t get promoted this year. Maybe you don’t be one of those women who Lean In (at least not yet ’cause maybe leaning in takes time). Maybe you actually learn to make sacrifices in your life for once based on what is most important. Is saying “yes” all the time really that important to you? Are you driven to always say “yes” because you’re an overachiever with no regards to consequences of your actions, or are you driven to always say “yes” because you’re afraid of the repercussions of saying “no”? Because there are self-help books to deal with both scenarios. Read them.

5. Communicate constantly 

Don’t hold it all in until the last minute and have shit explode like a volcano. It’s bad for you, it’s bad for the team, it’s bad for business. Keep everyone around you tapped in on how you’re feeling, what you’re struggling with, be self-aware enough to articulate those in concrete ways. You’re not a prima donna and people shouldn’t have to “watch out” for your needs. On the flip side of the coin, if you also consistently communicate your anxieties around the project and how it’s going, noting risks and red flags, that’s a much better and more efficient way to  make it successful (than, for example, taking on too much for yourself).

 

xoxo

V.

Things I’d want my daughter to know

In time for Father’s Day, I’m dedicating this post to my wonderful father, who’s always shown me the way.

Growing up, I was raised in a household that was anything but “traditional”. My family moved often, and as a result, my parents both experienced vastly different cultures–and different realities–frequently, so that I was never raised to be a “tiger cub” – via those intense, almost absurd and mechanical parenting methods to raise a child out of “tough love”, such that he or she will become a Cut-Throat Winner in this jungle of a society.

Sometimes after a long catch-up conversation with my mom, I’d sit there and reflect on the way I’d turned out. Obviously there is no denying this: I am simply not a Cut-Throat Winner, at least not in the stereotypical Asian view of success. I have a track record of NOTs: not being number one, not winning big scholarships, not getting to Grade 12 in piano, not becoming a math genius…the list goes on. By now you’re probably drastically unimpressed, but frankly that’s not the point.

But I am happy, I realized, and I’m at peace, the rare way that I see many people around me are not. As we advance into our late-twenties and beyond, we’ve all developed certain ways to hide our insecurities, but if you look closely enough, for a lot of people these insecurities never really went away.

I’ve been compiling this list in my head for some time, and it’s time I made a note about it here on this blog, because it is pertinent – the things I would want my daughter to know, if I ever have a daughter. Times are changing and being a female in today’s society implies a whole new world of opportunities and challenges. The Economist recently published a cover article titled “The Weaker Sex”, where the magazine summarizes as “Blue-collar men in rich countries are in trouble. They have not adapted well to trade, technology, or feminism.”

In my head I had thought to myself, “Feminism is a thing that requires adaptation now?” How alarming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

1. You may not conform to today’s standard of beauty, but that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. 

Honestly? The things that are the most attractive about a woman (because I’ve paid attention, oh yes) – 1. that you’re fit, 2. that you conduct yourself gracefully and smile brightly, 3. that you have good posture.

The standards of beauty will always change. You’ll kill yourself trying to stay current. So just don’t bother – there’s no win in that for you.

2. Breathing will always slow down your heart rate and make you less nervous.

Got a scary presentation? Deep breath through your belly. Got a big date? Deep breath through your belly. Feeling upset or about to punch someone in their fucking face? Deep breath through your belly.

3. Your body is like a car that you’re stuck with for the rest of your life; don’t abuse it.

I did not come up with this one; Warren Buffett did. He said: “If you’re getting a car and it has to last as long as you live, how are you going to treat that car? You’re probably going to read the owner’s manual four times before you drive it; you’re going to keep it in the garage, protect it at all times, change the oil twice as often as necessary. If there’s the least bit of rust, you’re going to get that fixed immediately, so it doesn’t spread – because you know it has to last you as long as you live. Here’s the thing, that’s exactly the position you are in concerning your mind and body.” 

Take it from Warren Buffett. He knows stuff.

4. Sentimentality is only helpful if you’re a really, really good poet. 

Why are you looking backwards? Did you make a decision out of fear that you now regret? If so, don’t do it next time. If not, realize that the world has already moved on (like, literally), and even what you think you had is not going to be the same if you ever get it back again.

5. Happiness is not something you can show other people. 

When you’re happy, you know it. When you’re the opposite of happy, you also know it. Share your happiness generously with those who can share their happiness with you, and don’t worry about the rest of them. Don’t try to show other people that you’re happy when you’re not really happy – nobody benefits in this scenario.

6. Strength is innate. 

Don’t try to show off how tough you are or coerce others into doing things you want, or being the way you want them to be. Don’t buy into others showing off their strengths and awesomeness. True strength doesn’t need the validation from public display and is never explicit.

7. Wear fun clothes. 

Because there will be times when you’d want to wear fun clothes and some asshole (like the society) will try to stop you from wearing fun clothes, deeming it “inappropriate”. So whatever opportunity allows, wear fun clothes. There will always be time for pencil skirts and WASPY cardigans.

8. Sometimes you have to be alone.

It is only when you know how to be alone, that you know how to truly, fully embrace yourself, and love yourself and sometimes your complicated thoughts. It is only when you can love yourself and your complicated thoughts that you can truly, fully embrace another human being and love him for himself and his complicated thoughts.

9. A bit of extra effort takes you a long way.

Most people stop at a point they deem to be 100% of their effort, when it is really only something like 60% of their effort – in a normal distribution they fall +/- 1 standard deviation from the mean (the majority). This is because people are inherently lazy and irrational. To stand out, just put in a bit more effort.

10. Be brave pragmatically. 

Go boldly in the direction of your dreams, etc etc. But please for the love of God be a bit pragmatic. You don’t exist in a vacuum so all of your actions do in fact have short-term and long-term consequences. Be prepared to sacrifice some things for other things you want to pursue, understand why you’re pursuing them and the opportunity cost for doing so, then do it and for the love of God don’t look back.

That’s all.

Love,

V.

The continuous expansiveness of being

Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco @TheValoress

I spent Memorial Day weekend in San Francisco. It was my first time there and the only time I’ve traveled to a place without any prior research or preparation whatsoever. My unpreparedness had stressed me out somewhat, but thankfully my close friend in SF served as the best tour guide and host one could ever ask for.

The entire time I was there, I just went with the flow of things – I drove to places near and far, snacked on take out dim sum and other delicious cheap foods that didn’t require sitting down or reservations, randomly met up with friends and had a kickass time. Despite not having planned any part of the trip, I ended up checking out all the best parts of SF, and even Stanford, Facebook, and Salsalido. After the weekend was over, I realized I had not relinquished control over my life like this for a really long time.

A part of me was overwhelmed by the experience because it showed me a side of life that asked me to be busy but not intentionally so. It felt like an extra inch of breathing space for me, and in that space, I found clarity and inspiration, a blurry and shifting sense of calm and harmony that felt like purpose. It stirred my imagination and made me feel extraordinarily alive, and as a result I felt more creative than I’ve been since before I moved to New York.

These moments where something deep inside of you stirs suddenly are always worthwhile to note. These moments are never about concrete goals, nor are they about fulfilling needs. Rather they’re really to there to raise awareness for how you can live more authentically.

Those who are also addicted to traveling understand these irreplaceable moments of clarity that come with the experience. A sense of calling, not of how life MUST be but how life CAN be. You begin to realize that all the boundaries and structures you impose on your own life day after day are in fact merely figments of your own imagination, that they are sometimes sufficient but not necessary.

Recently over coffee, a friend told me that in planning out one’s career, most people tend to believe that in order to continuously add value, we must narrow down over time- narrow down knowledge, narrow down expertise, narrow down skill sets- but this process necessitates our sacrifice of an inherent balance of capabilities and competencies that is core to extraordinary leadership (and extraordinary success). I thought about this a great deal and I think there is a fundamental difference between narrowing down your focus, and narrowing down your skill set. Having a specific set of skills is incredibly important, but at the same time, he’s also right – your focus cannot stay at the level of your skill set. Instead you must continuously broaden it, look to adjacent areas for inspiration and connections, and see the forest for the trees.

For me, the same goes for life choices not career-related. Seek to be large and expand. Look for those stirring moments.

Love,
V.

When failure is not temporary

In times of struggle, we often find ourselves facing all of our demons, who more often than not decide to all  surface at the same time.

Then the situation quickly escalates – your mind becomes clouded with judgment, as whispers of self-doubt create a whirlwind of disruptive thoughts in your head, and heart-pounding, you sit there staring ahead, dumbfounded and terrified.

Like you, I’ve known many different kinds of stress:

• The stress that comes with limitations: “Oh my god I’m running out of time studying, going to fail an exam tomorrow!”
• The stress that comes with powerlessness: “I’ve sent out a million resumes, how come nobody has emailed me back?”
• The stress that comes with uncertainty: “If I don’t get a job by the end of this month, where am I going to live?”
• The stress that comes with disappointment: “The date went okay I guess, but why do I feel so sad?”
• The stress that comes with sadness and loss: “I can’t breathe, and may drift away at any minute.”

But for me, the worst kind of stress is the stress associated with regret, perhaps because we want to think that to have regret means to admit to having some sense of agency, so that at some point in the history in the making, we could have done something to alter the realities we are experiencing today.

Maybe we convince ourselves that if we allow ourselves to admit to these regrets, we can place the blame on ourselves in order to make more sense of what had happened. To make the events of life less stochastic and absurd than they really are. To subject ourselves to an illusion of order and sensibility in which we find safety and security.

Maybe we could have tried harder.

Maybe we could have been more patient.

Maybe we could have listened more.

Maybe we could have chosen differently…or not at all.

The other day I was reflecting upon my fears of the future, and my fears related to my capacity to handle the future, when I suddenly came to a conclusion that all failure is, in fact, temporary. We fail, we learn from it, we get up, we try again. The less resilient see failure as a roadblock, as a wall. The more resilient see failure as a point of pivot, and with enough determination and apt strength, failure can help us bounce back to none less than the best versions of ourselves.

The only time failure becomes permanent is when you let regret take over and gain control of your actions, so you no longer act proactively but passively. When you start to equate “not doing a bad job” with “doing a good job”, when they can and should be fundamentally different things.

I know this because I’ve been there, and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the shadow that regret casts over my life, dictating to me who I can and cannot be. I’m angry at myself for letting it control me for so long, for causing me so much inaction and anxiety. But it is the good kind of angry – the kind of angry that propels me forward to change for the better.

Don’t let regret become a shadow in your life, clouding your sense of self-worth. Start over, pivot, let go of the past and do something great tomorrow.

With much love,

V.