You think you can’t.
I know you do because I’ve been there – because I still AM there from time to time.
It’s hard to ask for things – things like a raise, a promotion, a less-shitty “work-life balance” (note the quotation marks – I deeply believe that whoever invented this term was NOT American). You wait and watch for the opportune time, you build your strengths up in your head, and you sometimes make the leap and get shot down. It’s like that time when you were five and you reached for the candy jar and someone slapped your hand away. I mean, let’s face it, we don’t like to get slapped.
Here’s something you need to know about me – I’m an idealist-turned-somewhat-of-a-pragmatist. It has to do with growing up in an immigrant household, competing in a public university where urban legends of people stealing your notes in libraries was probably half true, then living in New York and trying to “make it”. I’m not the type to blatantly ask you to jump into a body of water if you don’t know how to swim or don’t know what’s in the water. ‘Cause you’re probably gonna die.
So sometimes optimism is not enough. While hardly anything alone might be enough to fully advance your situation to greener pastures, there is one thing I’ve found to be most useful – and that, my friend, is to make yourself feel like you have a sense of control over something.
In a sense it is purely psychological. Think about why we tend to fear uncertainty – it’s because we can’t control the unknown. Think about the last time you were stressed out about something – it’s because you felt there were aspects of the situation you couldn’t fix, aspects of the desired results that were out of your immediate realm of influence. In these situations, you feel powerless, and that is pretty shitty, you know?
The solution? Gain that control back.
Do something, anything, immediately. Start setting and achieving goals.
They don’t have to be big goals, like “I must find my career path (again)”, or “I must pursue my life’s passion even though I have zero fucking idea what it is.” Do something small to get the ball rolling. Check something off your everyday-task kind of mental list, then feel how great that is, build that confidence in yourself that YOU CAN, and repeat with something bigger, take a leap here and there.
Do something like:
1. Start a sports hobby where you can set incremental goals
One of my friends was a junior associate at a top management consulting firm. If you know something about consulting, it’s that once you start as either an analyst or associate, it’s BAD BAD BAD to quit before your two-year mark. On your resume it looks terrible, probably some kind of an implied “failure” stamp the industry has created to weed out those whose primary objective is not to constantly “be a winner” (very important in life). She hated her job, cried maybe once every other night in a dismal hotel in Kentucky while working the night shift doing her Excel magic, but she couldn’t just quit. She had to “pay her dues”.
So she began to train for marathons. This is actually killing multiple birds with one stone, because you are not only doing physical exercise, which boosts the level of endorphin (a happiness hormone) in your body and lowers the level of cortisol (a stress hormone), you’re getting fit, hence gaining more confidence. But perhaps most importantly, in this situation, she was setting incremental small goals for herself – she could feel herself running more and running better. Basically, channeling DAFT PUNK: “harder, better, faster, stronger”. That in turn set a number of things in motion. Her attitude towards her job changed, she created stronger visions for a future she wanted, and perhaps indirectly as a result of all this, when her Year One was up, she was actually promoted (the rest is history in the making).
2. Join a fun class
If your job isn’t one that chains you to your Blackberry 24/7, try joining a class. Something fun, that pushes you a bit outside of your comfort zone, but also puts you in a different head space, if only temporarily. All work no play is no fun for anyone, I get it, but do you really want your biggest outlet to be drinking and partying until 3am every weekend, eating a lot of cake, and shopping till you drop (I’ve done maybe some of the above)?
Join a class – like improv, writing, painting (with wine), dance, yoga…the choices are endless. You’re a grown-ass woman now, you can afford this (but anyway, I’ve added some links for affordable options above).
My dad always told me, nothing you ever do is lost on you. Maybe the benefit of these activities won’t be immediately apparent, but at some point in the near future, I guarantee you’ll have these “aha” moments when you would feel grateful for the experiences.
This option is especially important if you feel like your life is devoid of passion (read: if you’re bored). I mean, come on, are you really just sitting around waiting for the day when your body will be too old for you to do anything crazy with it? I don’t think our lives were intended to be lived that way.
3. Up your professional ante
Start talking to people. Never underestimate the power of your network (blah blah blah) but more importantly, opening up more conversations with semi-strangers at least gives you the illusion of opportunity. It’ll make you feel like, “Hey, there could be something to look forward to here!” Instead of going round and round in your head feeding to your dark vortex of despair.
A lot of my friends often tell me, “Gawd I hate networking, so impersonal, so fake.” Well, the trick is, it is fake only if you want it to be. If you approach someone you’ve never met before with the expectation of this person eventually helping you to land a job (i.e. “When can I send him my resume?”) that is a nischt nischt my love. Go in with an open mind, be genuine, have no expectations, and just learn about the other person (kind of like a date). Ask what exactly it is that they do – what do they like about it? What do they not like? What inspires them to get up each morning? If you hate your job, the worst thing you can do is to rush into another option that you end up hating equally or even more. So take your time, do your research, explore. Oh, and don’t forget to buy them coffee.
Finally, in terms of networking for women, I want to put a placeholder here for a future post called: “Is it a date, or is it networking?” I think this question speaks for itself.
Oh, and TGIF! Happy Friday the 13th everyone. Walk under all the ladders.
Love,
V.
Valoress 